A dear friend has twice reminded me that there has been no update on my blog since December 29, 2010. No mention of resolutions - I made none. No reference to my January birthday – a day filled with delightful outpourings of love by family and friends. Nothing on the blog for weeks.
Where is PeaceAtHomeJill? At the core of my being, there is the peace that passes understanding, but it does not go unchallenged by life. Not a crisis this time, just day-to-day living.
So what forces my hand to the keyboard today? Simply a desire to encourage those who might read this entry. What aspect of your life is not quite what you had expected? What constantly niggles at you? What draws you into that place of grumbling and complaining, if not out loud, then silently muttering against the circumstance?
For me, it's a matter of trust. I am not willing to let myself go – to fully trust God in this area of life. Lies overwhelm me with fear – fear of the unknown – fear of being hurt and rejected – fear of what I might find - fear of failure. There it is again – when I look at some possible future revelation or event – I don’t see God there. I just see me alone with some devastating problem.
Why do I do that, when I have such a long history with HIS perfect love? HE has never left me nor forsaken me. HIS perfect love has sustained, carried and always brought me through with victory over some of life’s most frightening challenges. HIS character of love and power is impeccable, flawless - perfect in every way. HE has demonstrated HIS love to me over and over. Yet, I doubt. I fall into self-pity – this “poor me” – “whatever will I do” state of being?
The operative word here is “I”. What will “I” do? God forgive me for this self-centered focus. Help me get my mind out of the gutter. I must reach up and “take hold of the curb”. Funny how that little phrase from Tim’s childhood teacher helps me see the absurdity of gutter living. In my heart, I don’t want to settle for living on the street level either – though it is a vast improvement over the squalor of gutter life. My position is one of being seated in heavenly places – even mounting up with wings of eagles. I was designed to soar with HIM.
So, today, once again, I choose to reach up and take hold of HIS hand – the curb is not enough. I choose to hold HIS hand as I go into a new place – making myself vulnerable in an area that is so sensitive.
Now that I am out of this self made pit of doubt and fear, I can begin to grasp the “why” of this struggle. At the heart of it all, is trust put into action. Will I trust HIM in the most sacred place – the living, breathing place of intimacy. The place of knowing……….not what the future holds, but knowing the ONE who holds the future.
