LETTER TO GOD

Perspective!  Attitude!  What powerful words!  You changed my perspective last night from “me, me” to “what about them?”  You helped me see how the last 20 years with 10 surgeries might have affected my family – those who love me and have been here for me. 

The good news is that all of those surgeries produced something good.  The best being a baby girl named Emily Ann.  Four had to do with breast cancer and reconstruction.  I am alive and have never had to go through chemo or radiation.  So what if it’s not my original equipment – I have boobs!  Two had to do with the effects of chronic allergies – the eye duct stints, and one has helped me keep over 50 lbs off for more than 4 years.  The knee replacements will restore my ability to work and exercise and play.

It seems a little ironic that all of this came after I began to really believe that You are a healing God.  Thank you for all the things You healed me of without surgery and things that I didn’t even know I had.  From my perspective, You are the God who heals – spiritually, emotionally and physically.  I rise up this morning and take from Your healing hand, a new knee that will function beautifully, and if it be Your will, a few weeks later, I will get the other one fixed.  I thank you for unlocking the medical mysteries that make these kinds of things possible.  I thank you for the resources to pay for this.  I thank you now for the opportunities to share Your goodness with all those I encounter.  You have already been preparing the way for this day – going ahead of me – selecting the time of day and who will be working and which operating room and hospital room I will have.  You have planned for every procedure and medication to work for my good and not to bring harm. You leave nothing to chance.  Every person who helps me will be Your hand picked instrument – Christian or not.  It will be Your marvelous skill and medicines that You’ve allowed men  to discover that will restore my knee.  It will be Your very own Holy Spirit hovering over me – partnering with those doing the work.  Holy Wind will stand guard rebuking and repelling every assignment of the enemy that might try to come against me or my loved ones.  I get a picture of powerful angelic beings ready to spring into action.  Their presence is comforting to me in their tenderness and intimidating to the enemy because of their POWER!  Jill Ann, the daughter of God, is abiding in Christ and Christ is abiding in her.  She has everything she needs.

I love yesterday’s blessing from Blessing Your Spirit by Sylvia Gunter and Arthur Burke p 140 Day 15 GOD OF GODS – You are the God of gods and I call my spirit and Tim’s spirit to attention to hear again the words of this blessing:  “I bless you Tim and Jill as you walk among men and women of power that they would defer to that which is not visible in the natural.  I bless you with causing unsaved men and women who do not know the God who made you to defer to the power of God that is manifested in you.  I bless your life with experiencing human power deferring to the God of gods who is in you, who is part of you.  You are part of Him.  You are the incarnation of the ultimate power on earth.  I bless you also to be that same incarnation of power of God wrapped in tenderness to the most fragile, the most vulnerable,  the most insecure on Earth.  I bless you with being like the God of gods who presents himself in tenderness without devastating the dimly burning flame that is about to go out.  I bless you with being that kind of incarnation of the God of gods to the culture around you, for He made you out of his own substance and essence.  I bless you in the name of the Father and of the Son and the Holy Spirit.  So be it.”  Isn’t that amazingly fitting for someone going in to a hospital setting where I’ll encounter doctors, janitors, others who are ill and everything in between!

So I leave this post, confident in the God of gods.  Confident in the gift of His peace, the peace that surpasses all understanding.  Confident that his peace will reign in my spirit as my spirit stays connected to my “Abba,’ my Papa, my Father God.  Confident that I will abide in the Holy Spirit and He will have dominion over my mind, will, emotions and body.  “Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord.”  And that same Holy Spirit will surround and saturate those who love me – Tim, my beloved husband;  children and grandchildren; family members and friends who bless my life daily. To God be the glory!  Great things He has done and is continuing to do. 

In conclusion, (tee hee) I have prayed and have agreed with others for a supernatural healing, a creative miracle that would make this surgery unnecessary.  Even in the final preparations, it could happen.  It is my desire that I not have to go through this, that my family not have to go through this,  BUT as Jesus prayed, “Not my will, but thine be done.”   I know that all of the faith He had to go through what He went through is available for me whatever the outcome!  And it’s there for you as well. Thank you, my faithful God of gods.

Your daughter, Jill Ann (youthful heart, full of grace) is loving you back.

A Lesson on Lingering

Another morning.  Another day that You have made.   I have a choice to make this morning – to think about pain, dirt, gnats or to think about You.  Why would I allow my thoughts to linger in the muck and mire of life when there are so many lovely things to think about?  (from my journal entry dated April 28, 2012)

Linger is my word.  Our family jokes about my use of it knowing that it comes from my religious past.  For me it always evokes a negative feeling – if I linger, something bad will happen. Invitation songs with lines like these - “Careless soul, why will you linger; Wandering from the fold of God? Hear you not the invitation? O prepare to meet thy God.” Careless soul, O heed the warning, For your life will soon be gone; O how sad to face the judgment, Unprepared to meet thy God.”

The song’s message is a serious one, and not altogether inappropriate.  But all four verses came across to me as whip lashes of guilt intended to scare the unbeliever into a decision.  And if you linger (stay in a place longer than necessary, typically because of a reluctance to leave) you will be damned.  From my perspective, it seems like that’s all I ever heard in church – hell, fire and brimstone sermons followed by invitation songs meant to scare you into the  steps of salvation.  Except in my heritage, you couldn’t really know if you were saved.  Even after you were baptized, if you sinned and died before you asked forgiveness, you would go straight to hell.  That’s what it felt like as a child.  I seemed to have come away from that with a very toxic impression of the word linger.

However, on page 675 in the same old hymnal is a delightful song that more nearly represents the God I know and the response to Him that I have as an adult.  “I am resolved no longer to linger, Charmed by the world’s delight; Things that are higher, things that are nobler, These have allured my sight.  I will hasten to Him, Hasten so glad and free. Jesus, greatest, highest, I will come to Thee.”  Each verse encourages one to leave the negative aspects of life for all the benefits of a loving Saviour and to do it quickly – hasten.

So why would I choose to linger in destructive, negative thoughts when there is so much good to think about.  Why wouldn’t I linger over the joy of waking up to a new day? Linger over the truth that a loving God is in control.  Linger in the joy of His presence.  There is a time to hasten and a time to linger.  

I started this post weeks ago and in the process of lingering over the word linger, I have been set free of the word's negative effects!  You would not believe the countless times I have seen that word since I began this little segment of my journey.  Seems like every writer I respect and follow has used that word in the most positive and life-giving ways.  Linger, linger, linger..................I love it.

Check this out:  http://www.leahrichardson.com/blog/

Excerpt from a Thank You Note

Your little creature has been singing to me since before the sun came up – momma red bird is flitting around the patio, trying to get into the sitting room.  Mostly, her antics are reminding me of how You care even for little sparrows – not one of them falls to the ground without Your knowledge.  Do you care  less for me?  Even the hairs of my head are numbered.  Such intimacy of detail lets me know that You, indeed, know me and love me.  You do know my thoughts - all of them - the good, the bad, the ugly. You know when I rise up and when I lie down.  This is too magnificent for me to comprehend.  So I won’t try.  I’ll just enjoy what I know of You and long to know You more.

It's really true – what I read in JESUS CALLING for today – “problems are perspective lifters” - a ladder allowing me to climb up and see my life from Your perspective.  The obstacle that loomed so large just moments ago becomes as Your word says, ‘a light and momentary trouble.’   

Better still, up here on Your shoulders, I can look away from the problem and feel Your power beneath me.  Like a child on the shoulders of her daddy, I am raised up to be more than I can be.  All I had to do was stretch out my arms  - You did the lifting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yfwlj0gba_k

Peace Versus Numbness

Eleven weeks of writer's block. I started this post April 22, 2011. Though I have tried many times, even wrote a few lines, I could not finish it until today. The block came from the loving hand of God, my Papa, my perfect Daddy who wants to love me out of my lie based thinking. He would not let me write out of my head - words and principles that are true and when applied would bring encouragement and possibly a measure of freedom to its readers. No, He wanted to free me so that I could write experiential truth from my spirit and heart, not just something that sounds good. Isn't that just like a loving father - a little discipline, a little restraint so that I would face myself?

You see, the truth is, I could not write about peace versus numbness until I could admit that I "numb out." Some things, I just won't let myself "feel." Imagine that! Me, going to that familiar place of safety instead of feeling the hurt.

I often hear people say, "I feel numb." This usually means a person feels overwhelmed, over stimulated, overworked or abused to the point where they have become emotionally unresponsive. While this may bring temporary relief from the immediate painful stresses of life, it's not a healthy long-term solution.

What is the difference between peace and numbness? Peace is that inner calm based on God's living presence – His living truth dwelling in me regardless of my circumstances. Peace flows from HIM. It is the gift HE gave, not the peace of the world, but the peace that is beyond understanding

Numbness – that place of insensitivity – that place where I don’t feel anything. It may seem right at the time – a place of refuge from the painful circumstances of life. My emotions are shut down, and I am able to function, but there is no color – life is reduced to varying shades of dull gray even white.

I recently read the story of Naaman the leper (II Kings 5) and was struck by what numbness means in this frightening medical condition - impending death of living cells. Cells lose their capacity to register feeling - the gentle stroking of a lover's fingertips or the pain of too much sun or touching a hot surface. Healthy pink skin, once vibrant with life begins to die - loses color - once living flesh becomes as white as snow.

White flakes settling gently over a winter landscape elicit feelings of awe, but when used to describe the skin of a leper, it means only one thing - the slow painful death of an outcast - someone merely existing on the periphery of life and community. That's what happens when we choose numbness over peace.

Could that be me? The gal who is neck deep in relationships - spouse and children, good friends, prayer partners, neighbors, etc. I am a social person, not a loner. BUT when it hurts, my first response is to numb out, say "it doesn't hurt" or spiritualize - "I'm just not easily offended." I function quite well that way. But the pain that gets stuffed is often soothed by stuffing my stomach - eating when I'm not hungry or eating too much just because it tastes good, and because I deserve a treat. A reward for not feeling. Not feeling is not peace.

Over these past eleven weeks, God has been gently showing me that I am guilty of numbing out some hurtful feelings. I honestly believed the lie that it is "too hard, too painful to go to hurtful places - I might die, or find out something terrible." When I asked Him for truth, HE simply said, "It's not too hard, I'll go with you." Now, I didn't hear an audible voice, but it was that real - an experiential word to my spirit from my Lord encouraging me to engage my feelings, to laugh, to cry - to get mad. To let others know that I'm hurt. Risk the dialogue. See what happens when you dare to live fully and honestly alive in community. Not as an outcast.

By the way, it's been about 7 hours since I had an afternoon snack - almost 10:00 pm now, and I'm feeling real hunger pangs. I think I'll eat something because I am hungry and need some fuel.

Peace.

CROCS: What You Don't See

They’re cute on kids and practical at the beach or a water park. But an adult size 11 on the Brooklyn Bridge looks out of place at best – bizarre at its worst unless you know the rest of the story.

The nine-year-old girl wearing a size nine shoe back in the 50s experienced a lot of grief over her big feet. Not many choices in the small dry goods store where she shopped for shoes. One day she found a pair to try, and in response to dear old Mr. Childress’ question, “What size?” she shyly whispered, “size 9.” From then on, every time she entered the store, she, along with all the other customers, heard him say in a loud raspy whisper, “Size 9!” as he slapped his thigh and doubled over with laughter. It didn’t help that every other girl in town had tiny perfect feet. At least that’s how it seemed to her.

Those feet are long past their youth, suffering the effects of being stuffed into too tight shoes and bearing the weight of too many pounds. Only last year, did I come to accept and even love these feet of mine as some dear friends prayed for my feet to be healed. They touched them, even kissed them and declared, “blessed are the feet of those who bring good news.”

With that act of kindness, my heart was forever healed of its pain over how my feet look. That seems so shallow and prideful in view of what others suffer. But God truly does care about every detail of our life, and longs to love us out of our wrong thinking and the consequences we deserve. My feet hurt still, and it looks like surgery may be in my future. I love stylish shoes, but have resigned myself to size 11 shoes made wide enough to accommodate the bunion, inserts and all kinds of weird little pads.

Weeks before the New York trip, I found Sperry rubber boots and a nice pair of casual shoes. I outfitted them with appropriate padding and took practice runs at the mall and hiking through the pasture to break them in. With a fair weather forecast, I had no need for the rubber boots, so I wore the casual shoes with my custom made orthotics and comfy socks. I tucked in a pair of dressy ballet flats for evening events, and at the last moment, decided to pack my new brown Crocs.

In less than 24 hours, I was limping because of the pain in my left foot. Now is where I tell you that I was the honored guest on this trip - planned and made possible by my beautiful daughters - stylish daughters full of energy - eager to see the sights. Imagine how loved I felt when I heard “Mom, wear your Crocs, we don’t care.” They really did not care. My big wide Crocs with the prescription orthotics made a soft secure cushion for these old feet. I navigated the stairs on the subway and the hike across the Brooklyn Bridge with ease - my heart dancing with my young companions.

I’m not much of a photographer, but the picture of my Croc shod foot is a reminder of overwhelming love – HIS love coming through my daughters, Sarah and Emily. All the years of painful pride over my God given feet have vanished into acceptance and gratitude. I’m especially thankful for those savvy folks in Italy who invented Croslite, the waterproof bacteria resistant material perfect for day spa clogs. They later made their way to the USA as boat shoes then to my back door via Amazon.com.

Bordering on TMI, I’ll risk telling you that when Tim and I take dance lessons on Friday nights, unseen under flared pants, both of my knees are wrapped for extra support. Further evidence that things aren’t as they appear. The joy of looking into his eyes like the delight of being in my daughter’s company emphasizes this truth, “though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed,” by something I call LOVE.

In these trying times, it’s important that we encourage one another to look beyond the obvious. No one does that better than our Lord through the words of Paul.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. II Cor. 4:16-18.

Remember that life’s seemingly small challenges can be building in us a history of God’s perfect love – the love that casts out fear. The love that can carry us through illness, natural disasters, wars and rumors of wars – these times when everything than can be shaken is being shaken.

Peace Passed This Test

A big test came. This time, I felt myself reaching for Your hand. You were there filling me with encouragement and giving me wise words. I did not react as a child, but more like the woman you created me to be.

Thank you for Your powerful presence that turned what could have been a disastrous situation into one that is building upon a foundation of love and trust. A foundation that leaves room for hope.

Today, as I read the devotional from Sarah Young's JESUS CALLING, I knew that once again You were speaking personally to me.

“Every problem can teach you something, transforming you little by little into the masterpiece I created you to be. The very same problem can become a stumbling block over which you fall, if you react with distrust and defiance. The choice is up to you, and you will have to choose many times each day whether to trust Me or defy Me.” pp 68

The author goes on to say that we should befriend problems by giving thanks for them. She suggests giving nicknames to those that persist so that we can approach them from a position of power rather than dread.“The next step is to introduce them to Me, enabling Me to embrace them in my loving Presence. I will not necessarily remove your problems, but my wisdom is sufficient to bring good out of every one of them.”

What nickname would I give to that persistent problem? THIEF came to mind. Having the house to myself, I did not hesitate to thank God out loud for the problem. Then I addressed THIEF and invited him to meet my family: God, my Father - Jesus, my brother - Holy Wind, my counselor and comforter. It felt rather good to turn THIEF over to this trilogy of Perfect Love. I then felt free and full of His loving kindness. I spent some time singing and dancing - expressing my adoration through worship.

Though the circumstances have not changed, I am seeing them from God’s perspective, not from the gutter of self-pity or fear. Knowing God. Listening and talking - spirit to SPIRIT. This kind of intimacy with Perfect Love really does "cast out fear" putting a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eyes. Who could ask for anything more?

Peace Is A Choice

Peace Is A Choice

Just know that when I write something, it is from personal experience - something that has affected me deeply. Also know that after I write something, I am usually tested. I failed - back into the gutter - a slow slide in, not a leap this time. We don't usually look at a gutter full of disgusting thoughts, and say to ourselves, "That looks like fun, I think I will go for a swim!" At several points along the way, I could have taken hold of HIS hand. No. No. No. I refused the grace offered and by bedtime, there I was in the stench of gutter life completely surrounded by my selfish, poor me thoughts. I wonder if that's how Jonah felt when he prayed to the Lord from inside the belly of the great fish: "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs." (Jonah 2:8)

The good news is that repentance is a love word. I can choose to take hold of HIS hand, agree with HIM that I was wrong, ask for forgiveness and know that once again, the blood of Jesus has washed me clean. I can make amends with those whom I have wronged, and lovingly have the slate wiped clean again.

"How did you get there," you ask? By listening to the deceiver. In my last post, I asked the question, "what niggles at you?" More than one astute person questioned that word.

nig·gle (ngl)intr.v. nig·gled, nig·gling, nig·gles1. To be preoccupied with trifles or petty details. 2. To find fault constantly and trivially; carp. Webster’s gives a third definition - gnaw.

The enemy loves to gnaw at your tender, most vulnerable parts. He knows what buttons to push, and takes every opportune moment to whisper his subtle lies into your mind. Paul reminds us in his letter to the Corinthians to "take every thought captive." The deceiver starts his destruction in our mind. We are more apt to catch the blatant assaults - the lies that seem so obvious, but the little ones can creep in causing us to explode or shut down. Both have equally devastating effects upon their victims.

Watch out for the thoughts that niggle at your emotions. Take the cue from your lie based negative feelings. You can own them, find their roots in the lies you have believed, and then ask Jesus for HIS truth. He will never fail to set you free. Sounds simple because it is, but you must choose to once again, take hold of HIS hand. Take hold of TRUTH.