Peace Versus Numbness

Eleven weeks of writer's block. I started this post April 22, 2011. Though I have tried many times, even wrote a few lines, I could not finish it until today. The block came from the loving hand of God, my Papa, my perfect Daddy who wants to love me out of my lie based thinking. He would not let me write out of my head - words and principles that are true and when applied would bring encouragement and possibly a measure of freedom to its readers. No, He wanted to free me so that I could write experiential truth from my spirit and heart, not just something that sounds good. Isn't that just like a loving father - a little discipline, a little restraint so that I would face myself?

You see, the truth is, I could not write about peace versus numbness until I could admit that I "numb out." Some things, I just won't let myself "feel." Imagine that! Me, going to that familiar place of safety instead of feeling the hurt.

I often hear people say, "I feel numb." This usually means a person feels overwhelmed, over stimulated, overworked or abused to the point where they have become emotionally unresponsive. While this may bring temporary relief from the immediate painful stresses of life, it's not a healthy long-term solution.

What is the difference between peace and numbness? Peace is that inner calm based on God's living presence – His living truth dwelling in me regardless of my circumstances. Peace flows from HIM. It is the gift HE gave, not the peace of the world, but the peace that is beyond understanding

Numbness – that place of insensitivity – that place where I don’t feel anything. It may seem right at the time – a place of refuge from the painful circumstances of life. My emotions are shut down, and I am able to function, but there is no color – life is reduced to varying shades of dull gray even white.

I recently read the story of Naaman the leper (II Kings 5) and was struck by what numbness means in this frightening medical condition - impending death of living cells. Cells lose their capacity to register feeling - the gentle stroking of a lover's fingertips or the pain of too much sun or touching a hot surface. Healthy pink skin, once vibrant with life begins to die - loses color - once living flesh becomes as white as snow.

White flakes settling gently over a winter landscape elicit feelings of awe, but when used to describe the skin of a leper, it means only one thing - the slow painful death of an outcast - someone merely existing on the periphery of life and community. That's what happens when we choose numbness over peace.

Could that be me? The gal who is neck deep in relationships - spouse and children, good friends, prayer partners, neighbors, etc. I am a social person, not a loner. BUT when it hurts, my first response is to numb out, say "it doesn't hurt" or spiritualize - "I'm just not easily offended." I function quite well that way. But the pain that gets stuffed is often soothed by stuffing my stomach - eating when I'm not hungry or eating too much just because it tastes good, and because I deserve a treat. A reward for not feeling. Not feeling is not peace.

Over these past eleven weeks, God has been gently showing me that I am guilty of numbing out some hurtful feelings. I honestly believed the lie that it is "too hard, too painful to go to hurtful places - I might die, or find out something terrible." When I asked Him for truth, HE simply said, "It's not too hard, I'll go with you." Now, I didn't hear an audible voice, but it was that real - an experiential word to my spirit from my Lord encouraging me to engage my feelings, to laugh, to cry - to get mad. To let others know that I'm hurt. Risk the dialogue. See what happens when you dare to live fully and honestly alive in community. Not as an outcast.

By the way, it's been about 7 hours since I had an afternoon snack - almost 10:00 pm now, and I'm feeling real hunger pangs. I think I'll eat something because I am hungry and need some fuel.

Peace.